Bad Memories
by BlackFox12
Summary: CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER. Sequel to Faith in a Friend. When Bucky starts having nightmares, Steve steps in to help him release his emotions in a more healthy way. Contains spanking and slash. Don't like? There's a back button.


**Bad Memories**

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything from the Marvel franchise (specifically the Captain America films) and I'm not making any money from this fic

**Summary:** CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER. Sequel to Faith in a Friend. When Bucky starts having nightmares, Steve steps in to help him release his emotions in a more healthy way

**Warning(s):** Spanking; spoilers for Captain America and Captain America: The Winter Soldier; AU; some mentions of violence

**Pairing:** Steve/Bucky - slash

* * *

Bucky woke with his voice hoarse from screaming, blinking in the darkness. On some level, he recognised that there was a record playing loudly, but when he saw a shadowy figure in one corner of the room, he sat bolt upright, reaching for a weapon that wasn't there.

Light flooded the room and Bucky squinted, waiting for his eyes to adjust before he focused on Steve in the corner. "Did I wake you?"

"I couldn't sleep anyway," Steve replied. "I heard you crying out. I was going to wake you, but you did that yourself." He moved a little closer to the bed. "Would you like to talk about it?"

This wasn't the first time Steve had come into Bucky's sleeping area when it was night, but that had been quite a long time ago now. And Bucky wasn't sure he trusted himself around his old friend.

Steve must have been able to see something of how Bucky was feeling on his face, because he stopped a few steps away. "Would you prefer me to leave?"

"No." Bucky didn't even need to think about it. No matter how many conflicting emotions there were inside him right now, he knew he needed Steve here... to remind him of what he'd once been and perhaps could be again.

Steve nodded and carefully sat down on the edge of the bed. "I'm here for you, buddy."

Bucky relaxed, a tension he hadn't even realised was there leaving him. He was happy to have his friend there, but he didn't want to talk about his dreams... his memories. He couldn't imagine telling Steve and seeing his friend's face twist in disgust. Or pity. Steve hadn't lost himself. He didn't see a monster every time he looked in a mirror.

"You aren't a monster, Bucky."

Surprised, Bucky looked at Steve, wondering how the other man had known what he was thinking.

Steve smiled faintly. "I've always been able to read you. It wasn't your fault. I didn't realise you were still alive. If I had, I would have come for you."

"I know."

"Do you?"

Bucky looked away, unwilling to hold eye contact. "I know you wouldn't have left me willingly."

Although he wasn't looking at Steve, Bucky felt his hand come to rest on his shoulder. "That doesn't mean you can't be upset about it."

In spite of himself, Bucky relaxed under Steve's hand. Everything had been so confused since his memories had been awakened and Steve was the only thing Bucky had left of his life before. Part of him worried about how attached he now was to his friend. Surely it couldn't be healthy? Then again, Steve didn't seem concerned about it...

And they had always been close.

"Bucky?"

"It would have been better if I'd died then."

"_Don't_ say that." Steve gave Bucky's shoulder a gentle shake.

Bucky wasn't sure what to say to that. He spoke again after a moment. "You can go back to bed. I'll be fine now."

"I don't need to be anywhere," Steve replied. "I'd rather be here to support you." He squeezed Bucky's shoulder gently.

Bucky felt Steve's hand land on his other shoulder and he flinched back, trying to twist his mechanical arm away. When Steve's hand tightened, he still, raising his head unwillingly to make eye contact with Steve. "You don't have to stay."

"Why don't you want me to touch you?"

Bucky wasn't sure how to answer that. "I'm not... whole."

Steve ran his hand over Bucky's mechanical arm without taking his eyes from his face. "Can you feel that?"

"Yes." It wasn't the same as when his skin was touched, but Bucky could still feel the contact on some level.

It was just one more piece of evidence to prove how much of a freak he'd become now. Although Bucky knew he should probably pull away before Steve realised he was a monster, he couldn't bring himself to. He missed the easy friendship they'd had. Besides, it wasn't like anyone else had so much as touched him since his capture and brainwashing.

Steve shifted closer to Bucky on the bed. The closer proximity scattered Bucky's thoughts and he found his gaze drawn to Steve's face. "You haven't changed much," he said after a moment.

"Neither have you."

"That's not true."

A thoughtful look came across Steve's face. It quickly changed to determination and he moved back on the bed, sliding his hands down Bucky's arms to take his hands. His face didn't change as he pulled Bucky across his lap, wrapping an arm around his waist to secure him.

Bucky tested the grip, but found it too strong to get up. "I haven't done anything wrong."

"That's not what this is about."

Bucky would have replied, but he felt Steve ease down his pyjama trousers. Bucky tensed as Steve's fingers skimmed across the bare skin of his backside and then drew in his breath sharply as Steve's hand landed hard on the centre of his bottom.

Steve brought his hand down again and then a third time. Bucky shifted slightly as Steve continued spanking him. The swats weren't all that hard, but they stung and Bucky winced as Steve's hand landed on his thighs before starting over from the top.

Tears filled Bucky's eyes. He leaned his head against his arm as he tried to hold onto how he felt. He didn't know what would be left if he surrendered to Steve. Although he knew Steve's hand wasn't falling any harder, when it began covering already sensitive skin, his legs jerked and he began writhing.

"I understand how you're feeling, Bucky, but you need to let me in. Stop fighting me on this."

"I'm not fighting you."

A harder swat landed, making Bucky jump. "That's not true."

"I don't know what you want from me!"

"I want you to trust me, Bucky. Let me in."

"I don't know how to."

Steve didn't say anything, but Bucky felt him loosen his hold. He carefully pushed himself off Steve's lap, expecting the other man to leave. He was surprised when Steve instead took hold of his hands, pulling him in close between his thighs and looking up at him. "You used to before."

"It was a different time then."

Steve nodded slowly. "You're right. I couldn't have done this before." He lifted a hand to brush some hair back out of Bucky's face.

"I need to get it cut..."

Steve smiled. "I like it like this." He let his finger trace over Bucky's face, ghosting around his lips.

"Don't tease me," Bucky said quietly.

"I'm as serious as I can be." Steve stood up slowly, bracing his hands on Bucky's arms, and drew him in closer. Leaning forward, he brushed his lips against Bucky's; tentatively at first, but then with more passion.

Bucky felt himself responding, heat rushing through his body. His feelings from before - the ones he'd never allowed himself to experience - now came rushing to the front. When Steve pulled him in even closer, Bucky stepped into his embrace, gently pulling away so he could lean his head against the other man's shoulder.

"I know you've gone through a lot," Steve said softly, "but you don't have to go through it alone anymore. I'm here."

"You don't even know who I am anymore."

"I know that you're Bucky. I know you saved me, even when they'd removed every single memory you had of me. Whatever you've done... we can get through this together."

"I don't think the nightmares are going to stop any time soon."

Steve smiled, sitting back down on the bed and tugging Bucky down next to him. "I'll be here with you to chase them away."

"I know."

Steve pressed a gentle kiss to the top of his head. "I love you."

"Isn't that a bit early to be saying that?"

"I don't think so." Steve gently pulled him in. "I think I should have said it years ago."

**The End**


End file.
